We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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