2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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