I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
