The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
