He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
