when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
