wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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