Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
