he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
