I'm gonna have a badass scar
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
