Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
my liver is dry heaving
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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