Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Randomize
