Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Operation Purity has been aborted
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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