Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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