a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
