were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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