i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
