I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
