i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Randomize
