You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
