Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
