when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
How does one acquire holy water?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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