Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
