You just made me feel so damn special
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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