Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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