you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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