Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
