So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
