i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
