So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
