I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
