No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I think my fart just growled at me.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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