sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
