1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
did i walk over a car last night?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
