Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
