Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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