My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
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