OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
