nut hugger
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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