I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
