Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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