I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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