so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
