Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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