my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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