pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
