Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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