i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
