im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
