I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
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